I looked at the mess on the floor and saw some analogy to the mess in my life. I cleaned it up, my tears dripping over the clutter, and wished I could clean the other mess as fast as I’ve cleaned this one.
Larry had called me a cheater and a liar, he had asked me “how could you do this to your devoted husband?” I could hear those words thundering on my head. I couldn’t stand the self-righteousness! Did he forget about the times I had forgiven him for not being exactly devoted? I was willing to admit my mistakes, but being the only one carrying the blame felt totally unfair. There was no mercy in his frown and the anger had transformed the man that I had loved into a selfish stranger that I just wanted to run away from.When Larry came back an hour later, he apologized for the way he had treated me. I was glad I’ve made my point. However, he was still upset and we both felt awkward.
“I have a request”, he stared at my tired and puffy eyes. I scrutinized him in silence. “I need you to send Matthew an e-mail asking him to never ever contact you again in any way. I need to know that he’s out of your life”
“I will”, I didn’t hesitate. That was the way it was supposed to be anyway. I typed a short e-mail on my Blackberry and showed it to Larry. He read it and said it was fine, so I pushed the “send” key without second thoughts. As soon as I did it, though, something stung my heart, like a splinter, sharp and uncomfortable and I knew I didn’t really mean what I wrote, but I didn’t want to think about it. I tried to ignore the splinter but it became more painful with every heartbeat. So by the end of the day I had to give up and admit that I couldn’t just pretend it never existed. Somehow Matthew was stuck in my heart and I needed to find a way to stay in touch with him. I needed to explain that I didn’t mean what I wrote. I had to figure out a way to communicate with him.
But I had to be very careful this time, knowing that Larry was watching every one of my steps, reading every one of my e-mails, forwarding all my text messages to his inbox and watching phone records. He knew all my passwords because they were all my pet’s name, and he even installed a “family locator” on my cell phone, so that he could know where I was at all times. He had to renounce to this last senseless torture as soon as I started to look for tickets to fly back to my country and run away from the prison I was living in. He promised to remove the infamous locator, explaining that he didn’t want me to leave; he just wanted me to be an “open book” and show him that I was committed to our marriage.
In these circumstances, I couldn’t make any mistakes. I felt like a criminal planning an evil plot. But the risk was worthwhile. I needed someone who could understand me, I needed Matthew. That’s how I came up with the fictitious names and the secret e-mail address: mark_claire@hotmail.com. Matthew became Mark, and I became Claire. I sent a first test e-mail to Matthew:
Dear Matthew,
I had to create a new e-mail address because things are not looking good here and I know I'm being watched. I know that we can't continue to talk the way we did and I do want to keep my marriage, but I don't want to lose touch with you. So I guess we can stay in touch this way, if it's OK with you. I know your battery died and I couldn't tell you everything. I know I messed up, and I hurt him really bad. I got carried away and didn't think about the pain I could cause. But he's trying to make me feel like I actually cheated. He's trying to manipulate the situation to make me feel guilty and humiliate me. He says he loves me, and he gives me everything I want, but when we (the kids and I) ask him to quit smoking, stop drinking, have a healthier lifestyle, etc, he completely ignores us. He likes to show me off, brags about his cute little Peruvian wife, as if I was some kind of exotic collection item, but at the end of the day I'm alone in bed, reading. I've read more books in the last two years than I've done in my previous 38. So I'm trying to focus on the good things and try to make this work, once again, but I can't help feeling like a trophy. I think the fact that he told me to go and have sex with you, that I had his permission, confirms that he just wants to keep this marriage as a façade. I just want it to be real, but I don't see that. My commitment at this point is mostly to God and my kids, if you know what I mean.
I just wanted to thank you for being there, I'm sorry that I got you into all this mess. I should have shut my mouth and my phone. I enjoyed every second that I spent with you and I really hope we can still be good friends. I really don't want to complicate your life, you already have enough to worry about, so don't worry about me, I'll be fine, I've been through about everything and I'm strong.
Love, Claire (that’s my new name)
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with Nextel Direct Connect
