My own discovery - Part 1

Laura Pausini - Amores Extranos

-“Now”, all the sudden showed on my phone. It had been a couple of hours since the last message. I run upstairs and locked myself in the walking closet, where nobody could hear me.“Larry knows everything”, I confessed as I dropped to the floor leaning on the wall, next to the belt rack.

He mumbled some bad word, and I went on, “He saw that we were texting last night and got suspicious, so he checked my e-mail and found a couple of messages that I thought I’d deleted. He’s read my blog, he knows it all!”

“Can you save your marriage?” he asked, genuinely concerned, which confused me even more. “I’m trying to, but he’s very upset and very hurt. He’s treating me as if it actually happened. He even said I should go ahead and sleep with you, so that I can get it out of my system!”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea… hey Isabel, listen, my phone is almost out of battery, it can die anytime…”

“I know, it can make everything worse. What if we really like it?”  I asked twisting my hair in total confusion.

“I’m sure it would be great, I just can’t have a relationship right now. Maybe you should go to counseling. I don’t think we should….” The battery died and I sat there listening to the silence for a while. I’m not sure how long I sat there, hiding my head between my hands and my knees, until I could pick myself up from the floor and get out of the closet.  That was the last time that I heard Matthew’s voice.

I thought about saving my marriage. Larry had asked me if I wanted to make it work. I had agreed, since that would be the right thing to do. I wanted to make it work, but my eyes had been opened to a new and exciting world and I was curious to explore it.

That night was eternal. In my dreams I kept seeing Matthew’s sweet eyes that all the sudden were Larry’s teary eyes. I jumped off my bed several times. My stomach was hurting and I remembered that I haven’t eaten since noon. I tried to mitigate the pain with sips of water. Larry wasn’t in bed, he had decided that the couch was a better place to be, so when I failed all my efforts to get some sleep, I turned the light on and started reading. The best thing about a good book is its ability to help me abscond into the story and forget my reality.

I saw the daylight crawling up my window, silently reminding me that I was still alive. It was still hard to breathe and I tried to fall asleep one more time. I’d rather spend the rest of the day under my covers, hiding from the pain and the guilt. I thought about taking some Benadryl, which really helps me sleep when my allergies get bad. But then I remembered that my father in law needed some and I have given him mine to save a trip to the pharmacy. I closed my eyes and passed out for an hour. Then I woke up and saw a beautiful face staring at me. My son Nathan was lying next to me, ready for cuddle time. I hugged him, kissed his forehead and rubbed his straight brown hair. His big brown eyes and his crooked smile brought some hope to my miserable day and I felt his unconditional love pouring over me. “You’re the best mother ever”, he whispered and I couldn’t contain the tears. In Nathan’s eyes I was still perfect. I hugged him again and he made a goofy choking impression from a cartoon.

“I’m starving!” he exclaimed jumping out of bed. “I need some breakfast, come on mom!” He pulled my arm to help me get up. I felt heavier than usual. I yawned one more time and let him pull me downstairs to the kitchen.

Larry was working in his office, but I didn’t go to say good morning, as I usually do. I didn’t think he wanted to see me after I killed him the previous day. I walked like a zombie trying to figure out what to fix for the hungry boy. My brain wasn’t in good shape to make bacon and eggs, without burning something. I thought cereal was safer and healthier, so I asked Nathan to pick some from the pantry and made myself some coffee.

I sat in front of Nathan, sipping on my coffee while he talked about video games. I tried to understand what he was trying to explain, but my brain wasn’t working properly. I’m might have suffered some brain damage from the whole emotional stroke. Then I remembered that I needed to eat something, so I cooked some old fashioned oatmeal and sliced a banana.

I had just started to push some food into my empty stomach, when Larry walked into the kitchen. His eyes looked tired, as he had spent the night awake too. He made himself some coffee and grimaced. Then he walked back to his office without saying a word.

I picked up my bowl and followed him without thinking. I knew we couldn’t continue to survive with all this pain and bitterness. I approached him with some fear of rejection, but knowing that I deserved it. I was hoping we could stop arguing and start to communicate our feelings like in the past, before Matthew. But Larry wasn’t ready to hear my account of complaints and the long list of reasons why our marriage wasn’t working and I was having an affair. He wasn’t ready to hear that I didn’t feel as guilty as he thought I should feel. I was actually starting to feel as if he was trying to manipulate me.

His words were harsh and mean. I tried to be sympathetic and understand his pain. I didn’t want to argue, just talk and find a solution. I was so tired that I couldn’t articulate the words properly in my defense. He only heard complaints and an attempt to justify my unfaithfulness.  When Larry raised his voice apoplectically and called me a cheater I got so frustrated that I dropped my bowl of oatmeal on the floor. The pieces of the bowl scattered in all directions with the gooey stuff everywhere on the garage floor. I wasn’t going to allow Larry to talk to me that way, not even under the circumstances. He got in his car and left.