The Discovery - Part 3

Take a Look at Me Now

It was odd, but I felt some kind of relief confessing to Larry what was going on with Matthew. I thought he’d understand, since I’d never really touched my lover… I thought he'd hold me tight and say "I forgive you, we'll make it through this" After all, I had forgiven him before, for something that I considered worse! 

But that was not the case. He had read my blog, which revealed details about how I felt about Matthew, including a very vivid description of our sexual fantasies.

“Have you kissed him? Have you slept with him?” He scrutinized.

“No, no, we never…”

“I read your blog, it was a matter of time. You two were going to end up in bed sooner or later, and you know it. What you wrote about having a crush on him, and the description of your lust for him…” Larry held a tight fist up in frustration. “And he wrote back to you saying he wants to be inside you…” he raised his voice slightly, trying not to get the kids attention, but I knew he was about to lose control.

“It was just a fantasy, we talked about how we feel about each other, but decided to remain friends and not to do anything crazy. But the messages got increasingly hot. It was addicting, it was fun to talk dirty, we tried to stop it, and we just couldn’t. I thought since I’d never be with him, I’d write about him. It’s literature, what you read is just literature…” This was my best explanation.

“I’m very hurt” his bleak eyes said it better.

“I’m sorry”, I cried trying to get closer to him.

“Isabel, I love you. I’ll die for you. Do you want to make this marriage work? I can’t make it work if you have one foot out the door. It takes two to tango.” He calmed down for a minute, as he gazed at me.

“I do want it to work, I’ve always wanted it to work, but if I’m feeling attracted to someone else, it’s because there’s something missing in this marriage. I can’t continue to live on crumbs of passion and the feeling that for you, having sex with me is as bad as eating a poop sandwich. I’m not trying to justify my behavior, but I believe we can’t ignore our issues anymore…” I whined sulkily. Larry scowled and walked away before it escalated. I didn’t know what else to do or say.

Trying to communicate with Larry in the middle of this havoc wasn’t a good idea. There was too much pain and confusion, we couldn’t reason like grown ups. Larry felt betrayed, his eyes twitching as he tried to keep the tears hostage in his eyes. I felt more miserable than ever in my life, causing all this pain to the man that I’ve chosen to live my life with. I’ve never seen him cry so many tears.  No apology was enough to subside the damage. I’ve killed my soul mate.

The following hours were unbearable. The guilt was consuming every piece of my heart that was left in my chest, and I still had to talk to Matthew. I wondered how was I going to survive the wreckage in my marriage without Matthew’s kind words. I wished I could keep him as a friend, but that was not an option for Larry. It will have to be as if it never existed.