I went to my room and turned on my laptop to try to put together a response to Larry's e-mail. I was not sure about the "proof of life" he was expecting me to give him, so I just started to write my feelings and everything that came to my mind. The keyboard didn't get a rest for the next hour. I wrote about my pain with his unforgiveness and self-righteousness. I wrote about how confused I was with the whole affair accusation, after I had done nothing but give up on my suspected lover, and after I had forgiven him when he had his own downfall.
I wrote about my love for Jesus, my family and my marriage, and the dreams that I had nurtured to become a better wife, mother and stepmother. I also wrote about how my dreams started to vanish with every unfulfilled promise and every lie, with every lonely night crying on my pillow and every empty bottle of liquor on the counter, that had stolen my partner from my arms, and lately, with every insult and harsh word that had completely closed my heart.
I had poured my heart out on that letter, but I could tell that it was not what Larry was expecting. My letter was not his proof of life, It was my proof of death. I had a choice, I could send that e-mail that explained the way I was feeling and why it was so hard for me to show Larry the remorse he wanted me to show. Or I could write a different e-mail, one that will have exactly what he wanted: a promise to forget that Matthew ever existed and my commitment to submit to my devoted husband and give him whatever proof he was expecting.
I chose to give him what he desired and forget about what I felt and what I wanted. I wrote a couple of paragraphs promising to be the wife he was asking me to be, offering him my heart for him to grow in it again. I promised to do anything he wanted, I begged him to come back. I saved the first letter on my desktop in case I needed it later, those were my true feelings after all. I chose my marriage over me.
After I sent the e-mail I hugged my pillow and fell into a deep sleep. I didn't wake up until late the next morning. The house was quiet and peaceful. I heard the Legos being stirred in the bins and cartoon voices in the distance. Nathan was awake playing in his room. I picked up my phone to look at the time and I couldn't believe I had slept that much. I opened the e-mail in my Blackberry, but there were no e-mails from Larry. Then I realized I had survived the night and it has not been as bad as I imagined. There was only one person I wanted to see.
"Hey monkey, it's almost ten. Why didn't you wake me up?"
"I let you sleep in, mom. You needed to rest. I already had some cereal." He walked to me and hugged me. I leaned to kiss him and his beautiful brown eyes revealed his concern.
"Have you talked to dad?"
"No, he's not answering calls, he e-mailed me and I e-mailed him back. Hopefully he'll come back soon", I brushed his bangs away from his forehead to appreciate his profound gaze.
"I hope so too", Nathan patted my cheeks gently and sketched my favorite smile, letting the worries disappear and stealing a joyous smile from me, that came from realizing that I was not alone, I still had the biggest love in my life, my son's love, to continue living for.
In the midst of my confusion calling Matthew was not an option. I didn't want to make things more complicated, although I thought I could have used some good conversation. I had no one to talk about what I was going through. With all my family in another continent and the shame to talk about my situation with the few friends I had, I chose to deal with it alone. The only one I talked to was God. And it was great because He was the only one who knew the truth and understood my pain. I learned to listen to His advise and what felt right in my heart. I started to develop a strong sense of direction and learned to find peace inside me, in spite of my circumstances.
The day transcurred peacefully, Nathan and I went to the park for as long as we could tolerate the heat. I run and he raced me in his scooter. Then we enjoyed some home made lunch and hung out at the pool. I read "The Little Prince" for the 10th time, remembering a friend in Peru who used to call me his rose. I contemplated the idea of going back home to Peru for a while to let things cool, but then I felt that it would be like running away from my situation and there was also the money issue. Money was scarce and I was having to work to help to pay off the bills. It would have been selfish to take a vacation to run away from my jumbled life.
That's when I realized I had to work the next day and with Larry away I didn't have anybody to watch Nathan while I was in Orange County. I checked my phone, hoping Larry's response would be in my inbox, but there was only junk mail. I wondered if he was trying to be difficult on purpose. I had no intentions on playing games, so I texted him:
"Did you get my e-mail? Just wondering if you have any plans of coming back. I have to work tomorrow and will have to figure out childcare if you won't be back. Please let me know. Thanks"
It didn't take long before I got a response: "Yes, but that's not enough. I want to know what are you going to do to save our marriage. Explain that to me. We will talk tomorrow night. I will be there before you leave to watch Nathan."
"Okay... thanks" I was speechless. Larry has given me a homework assignment. "What does he want?" I mumbled puzzled as Nathan jumped in the pool, trying to perform a perfect dive, but landing on his belly.
The phone vibrated in my hands: "BTW, I called the Church and we have an appointment with Pastor Jim on Thursday, since you made our counselor fire us. This is one of the things you should write on your list."
"How nice", I thought, "He's cuing me on my homework assignment". There it was again, Larry's anger and resentment was palpable in everything he said, or wrote. It made me feel uneasy and despair covered my face to the point that Nathan came out of the pool to check on me.
"Mom, mom! Are you okay?"
"Yes, sweetie, dad is coming back tomorrow. I just feel a little dizzy right now. Can we go inside?" I covered him with a towel and hugged him.
"Cool, are you happy that he's coming back?" His question made me think for a minute. "Was I happy that Larry was coming back? Was that what I really wanted? What did I want?"
"Of course, silly", I replied not totally believing what I had just said. But it was not about me, it was about us. So my own desires didn't matter at this point, right?
I did my homework before going to bed. I started with agreeing to go to talk to Pastor Jim. I also commited to attend Couples Bible Study and read the booklets that Larry had printed for me. The hardest one to write was my promise to not communicate with Matthew. I didn't understand why it was so hard for me to make that promise. Maybe deep inside my heart I did not want to promise something I knew I wasn't capable of doing. But that was what Larry wanted to hear, so I promised. And once again I cried with the idea of not talking to Matthew ever again.
Then the question came back to my head: "What do you really want, Isabel?" And I searched inside me, beyond what anybody wanted me to say, beyond what everybody expected me to do, beyond the masks we have to put on to survive in this world. And there I found my answer. I wanted love. I was convinced that what had glued Larry and me together had vanished, and I could foresee our shattered relationship moving inevitable to the bottom of the waters of contempt.
I thought about love and it equaled thinking of Matthew. He was stuck in my heart like an arrow I couldn't remove without blowing it up in pieces. I had to face what I had been trying to deny all this time. I had to stop lying to myself and acknowledge the desires of my heart, even though forbidden, they were real and they were alive. And that was the only proof of life that I was able to find when I searched the intricate corners of my heart.
