The Guilt

Pedro Suarez-Vertiz - Te Siento de Solo Pensar  

I took a long warm shower, scrubbing my skin with large amounts of a fruity fragrance body wash, as if I was trying to get rid of the marks that Matthew had imprinted all over me. Then I cleaned the fogged mirror and stared at my image with fear and concern. I imagined Matthew’s figure behind me, pulling my towel down and holding my breasts, as he kissed the back of my neck. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to slump into my fantasies. I was still burning inside, and as I opened my eyes, I discovered tears on my face. I tried to take a deep breath, but instead I wept, and the tears were not salty, but bittersweet. I splashed water on my face, trying to drown the shame.

 “Now what?”, I asked the person in the mirror. 

 “Well... I guess that was the best mistake I’ve ever made. It was totally worth it. I wish the timing was right... God, what am I supposed to do now? How do I go on with my life after this? You have told me to wait, but how much longer? and what am I waiting for?”

 I heard my bedroom door opening and it startled me. I picked up my towel and hung it around me. I spotted Larry’s face in the mirror, looking at me as if I was some kind of exotic cooking spice on the shelf of the grocery store, one that he would sprinkle over a roast. He stood behind me, exactly where I had imagined Matthew a few minutes ago. Then his deep blue eyes looked for my gaze, still hiding in the mirror.

 “I’m going to the grocery store, do you want to come with me? I’m craving salmon and a good Chardonnay.”

 “Sure, I need some conditioner”. I said trying to slide a comb through my wet hair, without success. 

 “Let me know when you’re ready”, he walked away without kissing my neck, which did not surprise me. 

 I felt relieved, as my husband didn’t seem to suspect that I had just crossed the line with my lover.

I tried to act normal, but my thoughts were so far away from my body. I replayed the forbidden encounter in my head over and over, and wanted to run to Matthew’s arms and relive the scenes again. But I had seen the somber shadow of a good-bye in Matthew’s last glance, as we both knew that crossing the line again would only complicate our lives.

I had to pretend that everything was alright and continue in the battle to save my marriage, now with the knowledge that my heart was no longer in it. Was there a way to bring it back? How was I supposed to fight for something I didn’t really treasure anymore? With all these questions crashing in my mind, I walked the isles of the grocery store behind Larry, who always liked to walk a couple of feet ahead of me, leading the shopping journey the same way he had lead my life for nine and a half years.

I saw him choose some Jamaican Jerk seasoning and remembered the way he had looked at me earlier, through the bathroom mirror.

 “How about some Jerk Chicken for dinner tonight?”, he asked me putting the jar in the shopping cart, knowing that I would not argue about it.

 “I thought you wanted salmon”, I laughed. “Sounds great”, I replied trying to make him feel proud of his new choice. “Rice pilaf and a Caesar’s salad?”, I tried to picture the menu and push away the memories for a while.

 “Hmmm, I was actually craving some double baked potatoes”, he said without looking at me, as he continued to lead the way.

 “Oh, sure, that sounds good too, honey”, I tried to be agreeable. “And a bottle of Chardonnay?”

 “Pinot Grigio!”, his deep eyes glared at my deflecting brown eyes, that spotted an evil lusty intention that made me uncomfortable. 

 “Larry, you’re crazy!”, I said trying to avoid the possibility of a romantic situation. “You always change the plans on me!” 

 Larry laughed a silly laugh and made a funny face. He moved quickly to the liquor isle and once there, he squinted, looking for the perfect match.

 I wondered if I had suggested the wine in a desperate attempt to escape from the pain of realizing that my marriage was hopeless and my lover was out of bounds. It seemed that my suggestion had made Larry happy. He studied the display carefully, and finally, grabbed two bottles of the Italian potion.

 Back at home, Larry marinated the chicken and I helped him with the potatoes. We were having a peaceful afternoon. Then he offered to take Nathan to his martial arts class, while I did laundry and cleaned the kitchen.

 As soon as I loaded the washer, I felt a desperate desire to call Matthew. I wondered if the calling card that I had used to call my family in Peru would work for local calls. That would be perfect, because Larry could only see the calling card number in the phone records and would not be able to see the number I had dialed. I decided to give it a shot.

 I dialed Matthew’s number and he picked up the phone. 

 “It worked!”, I said with excitement.

 “Isabel, what are you doing?”, Matthew laughed, recognizing that I was looking for trouble.

 “I’m calling you form my house phone with my calling card. Larry won’t be able to see who I’m calling. I wasn’t sure this was going to work for local numbers, but it works! I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have called, but I just can’t stop thinking about you and wanted to hear your voice. This morning was amazing...”

 “It was great! I wanted to make love to you so bad...”

 Then I had a crazy idea: “I’m working in San Clemente this weekend, and I had told Larry that I might stay at my friend Linda’s, so that I wont’ have to drive all the way back”

 “I’ll go to San Clemente!”, Matthew quickly suggested.

 “Great! I will call you from work then.”, I wondered how in the world was I, all of a sudden, making plans to meet with my lover to finish what we had started.

 I ran upstairs and googled hotels in San Clemente. Then I remembered that Larry could see what I was doing online. I was sure that he had put some kind of surveillance software in my Mac. I started to hyperventilate with the idea that he might follow us. 

 I picked up the phone and called Matthew again, using the calling card.

 “What are we doing?”, I asked him.

 “I know, I was hoping you would change your mind, this is too dangerous. Isabel, I know if we make love, your marriage will be over and I don’t want to destroy it”.

 “I know”, I admitted with sorrow. “I don’t think we should meet. I really want to, I’m dying to... but you’re right...”

 “You know how much I want to make love to you, baby. But it will complicate things.”

 All my excitement was gone as fast as it had come.

 “I had this horrible feeling that Larry was going to follow us. I don’t want him to suspect anything. I won’t stay in San Clemente this weekend. I’ll come back home and pretend to be a good wife. He hasn’t noticed anything and I don’t want him to find out. I’m so sorry for calling you. It’s just hard to go on after I had tasted the forbidden fruit.”

 “And it tasted so good”, he added.

 “Yes, it was the most delicious, I wanted more!”, I giggled. “But I’ll stay away. I have to go now, I have some food in the oven that I don’t want to burn.”

 “Ok, Claire, I’ll talk to you later”

 “Bye Mark, take care....”

 I hung up the phone and saw Larry pulling in the driveway with Nathan. I ran back downstairs and greeted them at the door.

 “Mom! I got compliments today!”, Nathan exclaimed with a very loud voice.

 “Great! I’m proud of you, monkey!”, I gave him a big hug and and his eyes were glowing.

 “He did great!”, Larry said patting Nathan on the back.

 I looked at Nathan’s big smile and felt like shit. The guilt started to take over me, like a disease. I felt ashamed for being such a horrible mother and now, officially, an unfaithful wife. 

 That night we had a delicious dinner and we finished both bottles of wine. We had small conversation and listened to 80’s music. Larry went outside to smoke a cigarette and I figured that was the perfect opportunity to excuse myself and go to bed. 

 “I’ll be up in a minute”, Larry promised, as he always did. 

 I knew that most likely he would not, but it really didn’t matter. I went to bed with a heart full of wonderful memories and a heavy conscious. I fell asleep remembering the divine taste of Matthew’s kisses. The wine had been my ally; I had survived a day filled with emotions, passions, decisions, fear and guilt. At least for this night, I was safe.