Nelly Furtado ft. Keith Urban - In God's Hands
I read Matthew's last e-mail over and over until I convinced myself that it was time to go on with life and hit the gym. I had been gone for over an hour and I knew that Larry has been getting very nervous every time I was out of the house and I didn't want to give him a reason to worry . After all, this was our chance to do things right, so I decided to do the right thing and called my husband. I confessed that I had just arrived to the gym and was about to start my workout.
I heard Larry sigh and before he could say a word I explained that I had spent the previous hour in my car trying to clear my brain and that I had called Matthew.
"I'm being honest with you, I've been very confused and I had to say the last goodbye. Now I feel ready to focus on our marriage. I'm sorry for calling him, but I really needed to talk to him. I'm telling you this because I don't want to have any secrets. I hope you could understand..." Larry hung up before I could explain anything else. And he had the right to do it. So I sent him a text:
"I'm sorry, I'll be at the gym, you can come and see me."
I decided that the treadmill was my best option. I ran four miles and kept going. Two more and I reached my high. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I had ran ten miles. Then I felt great, since the pain on my legs had made me forget the pain in my heart.
I somehow felt relieved that the whole Matthew chapter of my life was over. I wanted to keep the memories of something beautiful that wasn't meant to be, or as something inside me had told me, it wasn't meant to be yet. I didn't want to live the rest of my life waiting for that twist of fate that will open the door to Matthew's love again. I wanted to move on and live in the present. My present was Larry, my son, my stepdaughter that was about to come back home, and the marriage that I was committed to fight for.
When I got home Larry was gone. Nathan was watching a Lego video on Youtube and had no clue of his dad's whereabouts. I took a long warm shower and played some 80's music, looking for some non sense music to distract me. The B-52's was fun and easy to digest.
Part of my heart felt as it had been removed and there was an empty space in my chest that I needed to patch somehow. Michael Stephens had mentioned something about remembering good moments as a good therapy to restore a relationship. So I started making a list of good moments spent with Larry.
I went back 9 years and started on the day we met. I remembered out first date in Washington DC, the first time he held my hand as we walked through Adams Morgan. I was wearing a little sexy black dress that matched the black half-buttoned shirt that topped his jeans. Larry loved to tell our friends how he fell in love with me the minute he saw me for the first time. We had met online, when I responded to an ad he had posted in Yahoo, and we had agreed to go on a date after a few e-mails that shared the loneliness and confusion of our lives.
"When I saw Isabel walking out of her house towards my car that rainy night, I knew I was screwed. I immediately knew she was the love of my life. I was so stunned by her beauty that I took her to Adams Morgan and forgot to put my car on "park", so I got out of the car and she started screaming as the car was moving down the ramp of the parking lot." Larry giggled every time he remembered that first date. I smiled when I recalled his red curls bouncing as he jumped in the car and slammed the breaks, his blue eyes popping out of his blushed face as we both burst out laughing. But I couldn't help to wonder how had he fallen in love with me before even knowing me. Was that even possible? Did he really love me that day?
Nevertheless, I was trying to focus on the positive, so I decided to move on in time to another happy moment. The day Nathan was born, the happiest day of my life. Larry had been there during my fourteen hours of torturous labor, rubbing my back while I was throwing up and bitching in tongues, due to the effects of the morphine shot that I had begged the doctor to give me after my water broke and the contractions were unbearable. The flashbacks brought me to my knees and all the sudden I was thanking God for my beautiful child and the husband that I had chosen to share my life with.
"Oh Father, what have I done to my family? I'm so sorry for causing all this chaos. Please help me to bury Matthew deep in my heart where I won't find him until I can restore the peace of my home, and until the day comes, when I can search for his friendship again. Please heal my broken heart and fill it with the hope that I can only find in your arms, as you carry me through the darkness and the wilderness when I'm too weak to walk on my own. Father, I need your loving touch on my wounds and your fresh breath on my face. I'll be still and know that you are God, to receive your wisdom and see clearly the path that you have designed for me, the path that will lead me to your side, where I will rejoice with all the blessings that you have in store for me.
Father, you know the desires of my heart and you know what I really want because you can see my pain, and I know that my desires are forbidden, so let your will be done, not mine..." I sobbed realizing that I was living my own Gethsemane moment.
I heard the garage door opening and I rushed to welcome my husband with a loving kiss. He stumbled out of the car and glared at me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brushed my lips against his, a little aggressively, trying to use seduction to avoid the imminent argument. But the taste of alcohol and the smell of cigarettes made me gag and I had to replace the kiss with a hug, turning my face away to avoid breathing the obnoxious fetor that was impregnated all over his clothes.
Love is a decision, I thought remembering my favorite of Gary Smalley's book. And I had decided to love this man. Why then did I want to throw up? I closed my eyes tight trying to imagine a different picture and suddenly Matthew's face popped in my head, and I wished he could come riding on a white unicorn to rescue me like a Prince saving his Princess from the evil Ogre of a fairy tale.
But there was no Prince and no white unicorn, just the brokenhearted Princess hoping for her kiss to break the spell that could release a Prince out of the frog and realizing that the frog did not want to become anything else.

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