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Journey to Nowhere

Nelly Furtado ft. Keith Urban - In God's Hands

I read Matthew's last e-mail over and over until I convinced myself that it was time to go on with life and hit the gym. I had been gone for over an hour and I knew that Larry has been getting very nervous every time I was out of the house and I didn't want to give him a reason to worry . After all, this was our chance to do things right, so I decided to do the right thing and called my husband. I confessed that I had just arrived to the gym and was about to start my workout.

I heard Larry sigh and before he could say a word I explained that I had spent the previous hour in my car trying to clear my brain and that I had called Matthew.

"I'm being honest with you, I've been very confused and I had to say the last goodbye. Now I feel ready to focus on our marriage. I'm sorry for calling him, but I really needed to talk to him. I'm telling you this because I don't want to have any secrets. I hope you could understand..." Larry hung up before I could explain anything else. And he had the right to do it. So I sent him a text:

"I'm sorry, I'll be at the gym, you can come and see me."

I decided that the treadmill was my best option. I ran four miles and kept going. Two more and I reached my high. I couldn't stop. I kept going until I had ran ten miles. Then I felt great, since the pain on my legs had made me forget the pain in my heart.

I somehow felt relieved that the whole Matthew chapter of my life was over. I wanted to keep the memories of something beautiful that wasn't meant to be, or as something inside me had told me, it wasn't meant to be yet. I didn't want to live the rest of my life waiting for that twist of fate that will open the door to Matthew's love again. I wanted to move on and live in the present. My present was Larry, my son, my stepdaughter that was about to come back home, and the marriage that I was committed to fight for.

When I got home Larry was gone. Nathan was watching a Lego video on Youtube and had no clue of his dad's whereabouts. I took a long warm shower and played some 80's music, looking for some non sense music to distract me. The B-52's was fun and easy to digest.

Part of my heart felt as it had been removed and there was an empty space in my chest that I needed to patch somehow. Michael Stephens had mentioned something about remembering good moments as a good therapy to restore a relationship. So I started making a list of good moments spent with Larry.

I went back 9 years and started on the day we met. I remembered out first date in Washington DC, the first time he held my hand as we walked through Adams Morgan. I was wearing a little sexy black dress that matched the black half-buttoned shirt that topped his jeans. Larry loved to tell our friends how he fell in love with me the minute he saw me for the first time. We had met online, when I responded to an ad he had posted in Yahoo, and we had agreed to go on a date after a few e-mails that shared the loneliness and confusion of our lives. 

"When I saw Isabel walking out of her house towards my car that rainy night, I knew I was screwed. I immediately knew she was the love of my life. I was so stunned by her beauty that I took her to Adams Morgan and forgot to put my car on "park", so I got out of the car and she started screaming as the car was moving down the ramp of the parking lot." Larry giggled every time he remembered that first date. I smiled when I recalled his red curls bouncing as he jumped in the car and slammed the breaks, his blue eyes popping out of his blushed face as we both burst out laughing. But I couldn't help to wonder how had he fallen in love with me before even knowing me.  Was that even possible? Did he really love me that day?

Nevertheless, I was trying to focus on the positive, so I decided to move on in time to another happy moment. The day Nathan was born, the happiest day of my life.  Larry had been there during my fourteen hours of torturous labor, rubbing my back while I was throwing up and bitching in tongues, due to the effects of the morphine shot that I had begged the doctor to give me after my water broke and the contractions were unbearable. The flashbacks brought me to my knees and all the sudden I was thanking God for my beautiful child and the husband that I had chosen to share my life with.

"Oh  Father, what have I done to my family? I'm so sorry for causing all this chaos. Please help me to bury Matthew deep in my heart where I won't find him until I can restore the peace of my home, and until the day comes, when I can search for his friendship again. Please heal my broken heart and fill it with the hope that I can only find in your arms, as you carry me through the darkness and the wilderness when I'm too weak to walk on my own. Father, I need your loving touch on my wounds and your fresh breath on my face. I'll be still and know that you are God, to receive your wisdom and see clearly the path that you have designed for me, the path that will lead me to your side, where I will rejoice with all the blessings that you have in store for me.

Father, you know the desires of my heart and you know what I really want because you can see my pain, and I know that my desires are forbidden, so let your will be done, not mine..." I sobbed realizing that I was living my own Gethsemane moment.

I heard the garage door opening and I rushed to welcome my husband with a loving kiss. He stumbled out of the car and glared at me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brushed my lips against his, a little aggressively, trying to use seduction to avoid the imminent argument.  But the taste of alcohol and the smell of cigarettes made me gag and I had to replace the kiss with a hug, turning my face away to avoid breathing the obnoxious fetor that was impregnated all over his clothes.

Love is a decision, I thought remembering my favorite of Gary Smalley's book. And I had decided to love this man. Why then did I want to throw up? I closed my eyes tight trying to imagine a different picture and suddenly Matthew's face popped in my head, and I wished he could come riding on a white unicorn to rescue me like a Prince saving his Princess from the evil Ogre of a fairy tale.

But there was no Prince and no white unicorn, just the brokenhearted Princess hoping for her kiss to break the spell that could release a Prince out of the frog and realizing that the frog did not want to become anything else.

Unbreakable

Zoe Girl -  Unchangeable

It wasn't that I was trying to make my husband change. I had fallen in love with who he was. His charming words and tender touch when we started dating made me feel warm inside. Larry was witty and clever. He had the ability to draw a big smile on my face and made me feel safe by his side. I trusted him blindly. I believed all of his stories and celebrated all of his accomplishments. The problem was who he had become.

I was afraid that the foundation of my love for him was nothing but a chimera, a creation of the desires of my heart for a happy marriage, an illusion that was fading as I was discovering his unloving, bitter, unforgiving and deceiving heart. I was seeing a side of him I have never imagined existed. Larry had turned into a rude, self-righteous, angry ad selfish man, hungry for revenge and impossible to communicate with. There was no room in his heart for compassion and forgiveness. His temper fluctuated from affecionate to hateful in a matter of minutes and I lived in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.

Who was this new man I didn't recognize? He constantly accused me of destroying our marriage by bringing another man into it... I thought the only other man in our marriage was the one he had turned into.

In one of my many prayers I had asked God to give me wisdom and patience to understand my husband. I had admitted my mistakes and I had acknowledged the consequences of my emotional unfaithfulness. I was aware that it was my fault what had caused Larry's bitterness, anger and frustration. I saw him as a human being trying to deal with a very difficult situation and being severely overwhelmed with confusion and hurt. I was trying to understand him and love him but I kept crashing with a wall of hypocritical complaints and a barrier of coldness that froze my heart every time I tried to break through it.

On the other hand, I was experiencing myself a great amount of guilt and pain. Before Matthew, evidently my marriage was already in serious jeopardy, we were just denying the imminent crash that was getting ready to slam our lives and change them forever. We were physically close but spiritually disconnected and our dreams had taken separate paths. Our physical closeness was merely utilitarian and although we did not fight or argue or had a whole lot of confrontation, we did not enjoy the closeness of intimacy, for sex had been out of our bedroom for several months and our bed was a cold piece of furniture, unshaken, with nice bedding that was still in place morning after morning.

Larry's unhealthy habits were a threat to the whole family. It was no longer about partying and having a good time once in a while.  The drinking was a daily issue and it was escalating from a couple of beers to relax, to a couple of bottles of wine a night. Communication was broken, since in drunkenness, all things said were forgotten the next morning. In spite of spending thousands of dollars in nicotine inhalers, patches, electronic cigarettes and even a hypnotist to help him to quit smoking, every effort had been in vain. And nowadays, only a few weeks after he had invested $500 that we did not have to spare on the hypnotist, who had supposedly guaranteed the end of the nasty habit or our money back, Larry was smoking over a pack of cigarettes a day.

"Larry, I think you need to go back to the hypnotist, you may need a few more sessions before you can quit. Why don't you call her and schedule something with her", I massaged my husband's neck as he sat in front of his laptop, trying not to sound bossy but concerned.

"I know, I know... I'm trying..."

"Well, I noticed that you're back to a pack a day or even more than that and I'm worried..."

"Isabel, you know I am under a lot of stress," he turned around and I saw the resentment in his scowl. "And you know why, so don't even go there." Larry turned back to his yahoo mail and showed me his back. I wanted to scream so badly, but I just walked away and got ready for work.

Once in the freeway and alone I released a huge scream. It felt good, so I did it for about 4 miles until my throat started to tickle and hurt a little. Then I started laughing at myself for my silliness and allowed myself to have a moment of deep breathing and relaxation, away from the hell of my marriage.

And again out of nowhere, Matthew's smile appeared in front of me, with his beautiful eyes inviting me to daydream of what could have been, or even better, of what would be, if my gut was right and God was really saying "not yet".

I had a difficult time accepting the "not yet" answer to my prayers. It was even harder not knowing when that day would come, if it was true that it was going to come. I had already given him up, so I tried to entertain myself with the beauty of the mountains around and some worship music that brought my soul to His feet and I started speaking to my Father in the same casual way I would do if my earthy father was sitting next to me.

"God, I know you're here, I can totally feel your presence. You are so great to create this beautiful place", I whispered as I glanced through my window and had a perfect view of the ocean in front of us and the mountains on my side. I extended my right hand and imagined He was sitting next to me and I was holding his hand. "I'm so glad you're here today, I need your arms so badly". My eyes started to get watery as I had to enter the 5 freeway toward San Clemente. "Father, you know my heart and you know how much I love you, and you know how hard I'm trying to save my marriage. I feel so horrible for being so weak. It is so hard to love my husband when he cannot forgive me. Lord I gave up the most wonderful man I've ever met, but I want to ask you, why did you allow me to meet him and see the beauty of his heart if it was forbidden? Why is it so hard to let him go? Will I ever see Matthew again? Did I hear you correctly the other day? What am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

The traffic was light and the sun painted a perfect Orange County summer afternoon. "Be still and know that I am God", I have heard that scripture a couple of times in the past week. The first time at church and the second time I had read it on one of my daily devotionals. Now it came to my mind so clear that it almost scared me. "Ok, Father, I get it, patience and trust. Faith!" I yelled in excitement and at that moment I saw a white bird flying over my car and gracefully stopping only for a second on my hood, as I stared speechless and in awe. "Holy cow! I mean, was that the Holy Spirit? Where did that come from, a white bird, maybe a dove!"  I cried wishing I knew how to classify birds and remembering the Holy Spirit appearing as a white dove after Jesus' baptism. "In the middle of the 5 freeway?" I giggled puzzled, "And it stopped on my car, that's amazing!" A warm chill spread through all of my body and filled me with hope. Exactly what I needed that day, the strength that I couldn't find within myself had reached my weakened soul and had made my heart unbreakable.

The Pain

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry 

The alarm on my cell phone went off at five, but my eyes had already been opened and I had spent the past hour in confusion-land, walking through the wilderness of my emotions and my feelings, and trying to hide from the darkness of my guilt and my fear of the unknown. I smelled the coffee brewing and heard Larry’s steps coming upstairs.

 “Good morning!” He said in a serious voice, still wearing the same jeans and the same Hawaiian shirt he had worn the previous night. “So... you’re spending the night at Linda’s house tonight?”

 I stretched and yawned and tried to answer through my yawn, making some kind of animal noise that seemed to come from where my wild thoughts were roaming. 

 “Don’t you remember? I told you last night that I’m coming home tonight. I’m not staying in San Clemente.”

 “How come?” He seemed surprised by my change of plans.

 “I just want to come home. Is that ok?” I said trying to read his eyes, as he seemed disappointed.

 “Of course!” He laughed. “But I don’t remember you telling me...”

 “It was probably all that Pino Grigio!” I stretched one more time and tried not to make it a big deal. Then I got up and started to walk toward the bathroom, with the feeling that Larry was up to something, but not being able to figure out what.

 Everything felt unreal and frightening. Going away to work seemed to be the best possible escape. I was so looking forward to my ten hour shift at the hospital.

 The morning was overcast, with a thick layer of fog looking like smoke in the horizon. I had to concentrate on the road, which took my mind off my uncertain feelings. But the memories of the previous day kept assaulting my thoughts and I had to give in a few times.  Then again, I had that same strange feeling about Larry, a feeling that he was hiding something.  I tried to entertain my thinking and played some of what I call no brainer music: silly lyrics, happy melodies, mood enhancers.

 The skies cleared as I approached the ocean, revealing a beautiful picture that reminded me of Matthew’s gaze. The fear of the unknown terrified me again and I said a  prayer:

 “Dear Father, please forgive me for what I did yesterday. I am so sorry, I feel horrible. I know I should have waited, but I could not fight the desires of my heart any longer, and being face to face with Matthew just weakened me and made me helpless. I know you wanted me to wait, and I couldn’t. I know that you probably did not want me to go meet him. I take responsibility for my stupidity. I thought I could be in control of my feelings, but now I know there’s no way. Please help me to keep living with this pain in my heart: the pain of loving someone forbidden and the pain of enduring an unhappy marriage with a man that I can no longer respect. Lord, bring peace to my heart today and help me forgive myself for my own mistakes.”

 I thought I felt His fingertips sliding down my cheeks to dry my tears. I could feel his mercy encompassing my shame and my fears. I felt as if He had something else that He wanted me to know. From the moment I had heard God tell me to wait and trust Him, He had revealed to me the dark and hidden traits of my husband’s character: the lies he was telling Joyce about me, the e-mails to that Lisa lady from the Infidelity Forums, the phone calls from my friends, concerned about Larry’s reports about our marriage. All these evil intentioned instances had not been shown to me in vain. 

 I had the feeling that His fingertips were telling me to stop crying, and I felt liberated. I thought about how strong and deep and pure my love for Matthew was, and realized it couldn’t be such a horrible thing. Of course, the timing was wrong, and now I had a secret to guard from my husband. And that’s what was killing me inside. Like a splinter in my heart, the memories of my infidelity hurt with every heartbeat. But I needed the splinter to stay there to stop the hemorrhage that would occur if I removed it. So I had to learn to live with that pain, with the hope that someday the memories would become real, and Matthew would remove the splinter and heal the hole in my heart with his love.

 In the meantime, my work at the hospital was keeping me busy, and I was thankful for that. I was almost finished with the IV batch, when Larry texted me:

 “You are a liar, you called Matthew twice yesterday” 

 I was shocked, how did he find out? I had used the calling card... but... what if he was just setting me up, so that I would confess? Did he know about my forbidden encounter too?

 I left the Diltiazem drip label on the counter, it was not due until 5 pm. I walked to the nurses break room and picked up the phone to call Larry. 

 “Hey, I got your text, what are you talking about?” I pretended to be innocent to see if Larry would tell me how he had figured out I had called Matthew.

 “I know that you called your lover using the calling card. You called him twice. I’m done with you, Isabel”. Then he hung up the phone. 

 I tried calling a couple of times, but he did not answer. 

 I didn’t know what to say.

 “I’m sorry” I texted. But I had no excuse and no explanation to give. Then I remembered that he had purchased my calling card online and figured that he could probably see the numbers I’ve dialed. I should have thought about that before calling Matthew, but it was too late now. Larry knew about the calls and he was furious.

 I went back to the pharmacy and tried to finish my work, while I rehearsed a thousand apologies in my head, none of them good enough to deserve my husband’s forgiveness. If he had not been able to forgive me when I was innocent, I knew this time anything I said would be in vain. 

 I sat in front of my PC, trying to figure out the calling card website. I wanted to see if Larry had been able to track the card activity. And there it was, at the bottom of the page: a detail of all the numbers dialed.

 “Great!” I sighed as I grabbed my hair in frustration. “I really screwed up!” I thought, as I opened Larry’s e-mail, in a sudden impulse to find out what he was doing, who was he talking to, what was he thinking....

 I had to reset his password to be able to log in. My heart was pounding really fast and I was sweating. Then I found an e-mail from Sharon, a lady that used to work with him, and that I always suspected had had something with Larry. I had a lot of reasons to believe Larry had an affair with her: the way she was trying to hang from his neck the last time she came to my house and had way too much wine, was just one of the reasons. She had even asked me “can I love your husband?” a few years ago at a Christmas Company Party. Of course she was drunk that time too, and Larry always denied any involvement. But what always intrigued me was the time that Larry charged $249 for a “business dinner” that was never reimbursed by his employer, a dinner with Sharon and some clients. I had asked him not to use our debit card because I had mailed a bunch of payments and cash was low, but he still used it and bounced all my checks. The memory of that incident made me so angry!

 And there it was, an e-mail from Sharon in response to one that Larry had sent her. His read: “what are you doing Sat night?” She responded “I will be in San Diego, why? Call me.”

 I wondered if Larry had made plans with her, thinking that I was going to stay in Orange County. That would explain why he was looking so disappointed this morning and my uncomfortable feeling.

 I had to close the browser when the phone rang and made me come back to my work reality. The diltiazem drip, of course! Was it almost five? I wondered where my day had gone. I finished a few IV’s that were left for the afternoon, and cleaned up for the next day. Then I rushed home to deliver my apologies, but it was too late.

 The suitcase was on the kitchen counter and as soon as I walked into the house, Larry picked it up and left without saying a word. 

 “Wait, Larry, can we talk? Please, don’t leave!” I begged following him to the driveway. 

“Isabel, I’m done!” He said slamming the back door after throwing the suitcase on the back seat. 

 “Larry, please, please, let’s talk...” I cried desperately. But he didn’t listen, He started the car with anger, and drove away, ignoring my tears. I spotted my neighbor across the street peeking through her window. I waved, pretending nothing was going on, and hiding my tears behind a fake smile.  The pain was so intense that I felt dizzy, and I could feel the guilt poisoning my heart and spreading through my veins. I felt as if I was going to faint, so I walked slowly into the house, feeling as if the whole structure was going to fall over and crush me.